LAUGHTER....BEST MEDICINE

[SilverSpirit]

Subject: Dragging a Deer

Bubba and Joe Bob were dragging their dead deer back to their car.
Another experienced hunter approached, pulling his along too.
"Hey, guys, I don't want to tell you how to do something, but I can tell you that it's sure easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the boys decided to give it a try.
A little while later Bubba said to Joe Bob, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
Joe Bob said, "Yep... but we're getting farther and farther away from the truck!"

[SilverSpirit]

Subject: Advice


1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life i s simply to serve as a warning to others.

10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a
couple of car payments.

12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person
again, it was probably worth it.

16. Don't squat with your spurs on.

17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the
windshield.

20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold
it in half and put it back in your pocket.

23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a
rain dance.

24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

25. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

26. There are two theories to arguing with women.
.........Neither one works.

27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when
Your mouth is moving.

28. Experience is something you don't get until just
after you need it.

29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get
slapped on our buns..then things get worse.

;D

[SilverSpirit]

Official sign near door: Door Alarmed.

Hand printed sign nearby: Window frightened.

;D

[SilverSpirit]

DAMN CANADIANS

Believe it or not...this is the transcript of an actual radio
conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian
authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of
Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.

US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south
to avoid a collision.

CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.

US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say
again, divert your course.

CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!

US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA, WE
ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT
YOUR COURSE NOW!!

CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[SilverSpirit]

Subject: you're too damn stupid to own a computer.

Computer assistance; may I help you?

This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard of in
a long time. I think
this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a
true story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was
transcribed from a recording monitoring the
customer care department. Needless to say the HelpDesk
employee was fired;
however, he is currently suing the Word Perfect
organization for "Termination
without Cause."


Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer
Support employee (now I know
why they record these conversations).

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along and all of a sudden the
words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the
screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept
anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a
TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find
where the power cord goes
into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if
it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables
plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again
and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely
into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean
way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -
it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes -the office lights are off and the only light I
have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office lights then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals
and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, unplug your system and pack it up
just like it was when you
got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it
from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too damn stupid to own a computer "

[KelownaSoccer]

Very good, I especially enjoyed the Naval one.

[SilverSpirit]

Subject: Disorder in the court

;D

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr.. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

[SilverSpirit]

Canadian Confidence

Osama Bin Laden was sitting in his cave wondering which country invade next, when his telephone rang.

Hallo, Mr. Laden" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, down 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you eh!"

Well Archie," Osama replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation There is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-Neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Osama paused. "I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.

"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!" Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Laden, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

And what equipment would that be Archie?" Osama asked.

Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

Osama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "Mr. Laden, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the organpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"

Osama was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!

"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie, "I'll have ta call youse back.

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "Mr. Laden! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

I'm sorry to hear that" said Osama. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners.

[Elsaphus]

is there restrictions on the kinds of jokes we can post here??? or can we say any kind???

[diogenes]

go for it and see


A famous quote from Kelly was Porky Porcupine -- in commenting on the possibilities/probabilities of extraterrestrials -- said, “Thar’s only two possibilities: Thar is life out there in the universe which is smarter than we are, or we’re the most intelligent life in the universe. Either way, it’s a mighty sobering thought.”

[SilverSpirit]

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park....
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway....
The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and the same again....
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the darn cat would always beat him home.
At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge,
then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there....
Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" Yes", the wife answers..."why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered: "Put that son of a pregnant dog on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
;D ;D ;D

[KelownaSoccer]

Great jokes, SS.

Keep them coming, it's a nice break from the every day

[SilverSpirit]

why, thank you KS, its good to know the jokes are appredicated

[SilverSpirit]

Subject: Sex On Mars

Mike and Darleen landed on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They met a Martian couple and were talking about all sorts of things. Mike asked if Mars had a stock market, if they had laptop computers, and how they made money, etc.

Finally, Darleen brought up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked Darleen.

The male Martian responded, "Pretty much the way you do."

A discussion ensued, and finally the couples decided to swap partners for the night. Darleen and the male Martian went off to a bedroom where the Martian stripped. Maureen was disappointed to find that he had a teeny weeny member, about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," said Darleen.

"Why?" he asked. "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replied, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he said, and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap, his member grew until it was impressively long.

"Well," she said, "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."

"No problem," he said, and started pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grew thicker and thicker.

"Wow!" she exclaimed. They fell into bed and had mad, passionate sex.

The next day, the couples joined their normal partners and went their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asked, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," said Darleen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replied. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

[SilverSpirit]

In Honor of Stupid People

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought?...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could
just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)